Years ago, long before I ever stepped into sales or training, I managed a video store. It was one of those jobs that taught me more about people than any leadership course ever could.

One afternoon, we hired a new employee who made an immediate impression — and not the good kind. She was short with customers, dismissive with coworkers, and rough around the edges with management. Within her first few weeks, she was already on the edge of being fired.

Everyone was frustrated. No one wanted to work with her.

But something told me there was more going on.

One slow evening, while doing inventory together, I decided to make an intentional effort to connect. I asked her a simple question — “What do you like to do outside of work?”

She paused, almost surprised I’d asked. Then she said, “I love to sing.”

That answer opened the door.

Over the next hour, as we counted and shelved tapes, she told me about her favorite music, the small shows she performed in, and her dream of studying performance in college. I listened — really listened.

Something shifted.

In the days and weeks that followed, she softened. She smiled more. She treated customers with care. She started joking with the rest of the staff. She was still strong-willed, but now it came across as confidence, not combativeness.

Her entire demeanor changed — not because we trained her better, but because she felt like she belonged. Someone saw her. Someone understood her.

We stayed friends after I left that job. I went to a few of her concerts. She went on to study performance at university. And she became one of the most reliable, positive people on the team — the same person everyone once said couldn’t change.

All because of a conversation.

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Why This Works

We often think persuasion is about logic — data, benefits, and arguments. But real persuasion comes from something deeper: trust.

When people feel understood, they lower their defenses. They stop protecting themselves long enough to listen. And when they feel seen — not as a task or a transaction, but as a person — they begin to open up to influence.

That’s the foundation of trust. And trust is the soil persuasion grows in.

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The Psychology of Intimacy and Trust

Psychologists describe intimacy as the feeling of mutual understanding — when someone knows you, respects you, and values you as you are. It’s not romantic; it’s relational.

In both work and life, intimacy builds safety. And safety builds trust.

When trust is present, communication changes at a neurological level. The brain reduces its threat response, shifting from a defensive state (fight-or-flight) to a receptive one. That’s when new ideas can land.

No amount of logic or “value statements” will move someone who doesn’t feel safe with you. But one moment of genuine connection — a moment where they feel seen — can shift everything.

That’s why persuasion built on trust isn’t manipulation. It’s partnership.

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Building Trust Through Understanding

Trust doesn’t come from authority or title. It comes from curiosity — the kind that’s interested in who someone is, not just what they can do.

When you show someone that you care about their story, their goals, or their frustrations, you earn a kind of influence that’s impossible to fake.

It’s not about being best friends with every coworker or customer. It’s about creating connection strong enough that truth can travel both directions.

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Sharing Yourself Builds Trust

As a manager or leader, trust isn’t just about understanding others — it’s also about letting them understand you.

For a long time, I resisted that idea. I believed in keeping my personal and professional lives completely separate. At work, I thought I needed to be all business — composed, objective, in control.

But I learned that this division was a mistake.

I’m the same person at work as I am at home — the same values, the same humor, the same insecurities, the same curiosity. Trying to wall off part of myself made me less approachable and, ultimately, less effective as a leader.

People trust people, not roles. When we share a bit of who we are — our background, what motivates us, what we struggle with — we invite authenticity in return.

This isn’t oversharing or making everything about yourself. It’s honest, situational openness — the kind that says, “I’m human too.” When you share something genuine about yourself, you give others permission to do the same. That’s where connection deepens, and trust takes root.

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The Value of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is often misunderstood in leadership. Many think it means weakness — showing doubt, fear, or uncertainty. In truth, vulnerability is strength under control.

When you allow people to see that you don’t have all the answers, it creates space for collaboration. It signals that you value input, not perfection.

Vulnerability triggers reciprocal openness — when one person shares authentically, others instinctively mirror that behavior. The guard comes down. The relationship becomes real.

In persuasion, vulnerability builds credibility. It turns your message from a pitch into a partnership. People don’t trust those who seem flawless — they trust those who seem real.

The best leaders aren’t the ones who have every answer. They’re the ones who say, “Here’s what I know, here’s what I’m learning, and here’s where I need your help.” That honesty strengthens authority by deepening trust.

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Practical Exercise: The Trust Check

1. Choose one person you work with — a client, coworker, or partner.
2. Ask one open-ended question unrelated to the task at hand (e.g., “What part of your job gives you the most energy?” “What made you choose this field?”).
3. Listen — really listen. Don’t pivot the conversation back to yourself. Ask a follow-up that shows curiosity, not data collection.
4. Share one thing about yourself — small, real, and relevant (a challenge, a hobby, or a value that shapes how you work).
5. Watch what happens. Notice how their tone and engagement shift in the next interaction.

That’s the moment where trust begins. And once trust grows, persuasion becomes effortless — because you’re no longer trying to convince; you’re working together toward something shared.

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Closing Reflection

“People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
— Theodore Roosevelt

Persuasion without trust is pressure. Persuasion built on trust is partnership.

Whether it’s a team member in a video store or a client in the boardroom, the same truth applies: people want to be understood, respected, and known. Once they are, everything else — collaboration, change, influence — becomes possible.